Big Time Impulse
by Asellia Skyrunner
Summary: Sadie lost everything to a housefire.Now,confused and angry,she turns to her best friends for help:BTR.How will a small-town girl with life-threatening impulses survive in LA? JamesXOC? KendallXOC?
1. Prologue: Too Much to Handle

**Heeeey everybody! I know my summary sucked. Sorry. Not too good at those. :( Anyway, this is the prologue. And thanks to my beta: AbbyMasrai! She writes really good ones too! **

* * *

I sat on the curb, clutching the slightly burned photo-album to my chest. A steady stream of tears fell from my eyes, soaking the collar of my t-shirt. I whispered to myself like I'd just been let out of an asylum.

The firemen were loading up their trucks, winding up the hoses, and revving their engines for the rush to the next emergency. The police were also getting ready to leave, all but Chief Mitchell. The paramedics however, were trying to get me onto a gurney to get me to the hospital.

Chief Mitchell pushed the paramedics away for a moment and crouched down next to me, "Sadie? Sadie, are you listening?"

I lifted my head to gaze at him, my vision distorted by the tears coursing down my face.

He sighed and reached out gently to touch my arm, "Sadie, you have to go to the hospital. I'll go with you."

"No. I'm fine." I spat venomously as my thoughts tormented me. _Why though? Why am _I_ okay? Ashton…he's the one that should be okay. He was the one that deserved to live._

The chief's expression saddened deeply, "Sadie. You need medical attention."

My resolve was weakening, but I let out an angry growl. "_No_."

"Sadie, sweetheart, come. Please."

_Three Weeks Later_

"Well, Sadie. I hope you get there safe. Call me when you land, okay?" Chief Mitchell requested, handing me my small bag.

"Of course, Chief." I said with a small, fake smile. I stood on my tip-toes and pressed a small kiss on his weathered cheek. "And thank you for everything."

He blushed a little bit, "No problem, Kiddo. Anything for one of Logan's friends. Tell him I said hey, alright?"

My smile became a bit more real at the mention of one of my old friends. "Totally." In a sudden surge of emotion, I threw my arms around Chief Mitchell for a quick two seconds and pulled away. "Thank you so much, Chief."

A bit stunned, he nodded. "'Course. Now, go. You're going to miss your flight."

"Right. Talk to you later, Chief!" I ran off to the gate and boarded the plane. I had some thinking to do.

* * *

**Sooooooooooooooooooooo...? Whaddya think? Good? Bad? Iffy? Well then, read chapter one!**


	2. Chapter 1: Reunions and Trouble?

**Heeeeeeeeeeeeeeey! Haha, so this is Chapter one! Let me know how it goes! Again, thanks to my wonderful beta AbbyMasrai! Uh...so here it is: Chapter one:**

* * *

_Chapter One: _

The terminal was crowded and insane, filled with screaming kids, screaming adults, and pushy businessmen and women. Even though I didn't have to go through the hassle of getting my luggage (I only had my carry-on), it still took forever to find the guys and Ms. Knight.

After about half and hour of trying to find them, I gave up and pulled my new i-phone from my pocket. Before I could even go to contacts, I spied Kendall walking towards me with sad eyes and open arms.

My own eyes began to water as I ran to him. His arms closed around my shoulders, holding me up as I sobbed. He pressed his lips to my forehead and then laid his cheek against it. I felt a familiar pair of arms come around my stomach and a kiss planted on top of my head. James. He rested his cheek atop my head.

"Hey, Sadie." James whispered. "Missed you."

Before I could reply, Logan and Carlos appeared on either open side of me and planted kisses on my cheeks, arms wrapped around me as well.

"I missed you guys so much." I choked out, laying my head against Kendall's chest. My tears soaked his shirt, surely soaking _him_ through to the chest. He didn't seem to care, holding me against him comfortingly.

"Hey, Sadie. We missed you, too." Carlos said, kissing my cheek again.

"It's good to see you, Dee." Logan whispered, breath tickling my ear.

"Guys. Give the poor girl some room to breathe." Ms. Knight scolded gently. Slowly, one by one, the boys peeled out of the huddle-like position that had always been our group hug.

Ms. Knight swept me into her arms, holding me tightly against her small frame. "Are you okay dear?" She whispered. I nodded. As she let go, she looked deep into my eyes searchingly. I don't know what she saw, but it seemed to satisfy her.

"Hey, Sadie." Katie greeted, smiling.

"Oh, hey Katie." I said with a short laugh. To her shock, I knelt down a bit and hugged her as well. After a few seconds, she hugged me back.

As I stood back up, the guys each moved closer to me, somewhat protectively. I laughed, a bit frustrated, and glanced around. "Well, let's get going. I've got plans to make. Friends to meet. A producer's butt to kick."

The guys laughed and exchanged looks. "C'mon, then." Ms. Knight commanded. Obligingly, we all began our trek to the parking lot.

"So," James leaned in closer to me, "you're going to kick Gustavo's butt, eh?"

"Well, from the way you've been talking about him, it sounds like I need to." I replied easily.

"Aw, you _do_ care about us." Logan teased.

"Of course I do." I replied, mocking offence. "I love all you knuckle-heads."

"Aw, yay!" Kendall laughed, giving one mock-girly leap in the air before slinging his arm around my shoulders.

I gave him a look, "Dude, really?"

"Yeah, dude. Really." He shot back. I noticed how _gorgeous_ his green orbs were and couldn't help but smile.

"What?" he asked, suddenly self-conscious. He reached up to touch his face.

"Nothing." I replied, turning to watch where I was walking. And just in time, too. I almost bumped into a bubbly brunette who smiled at the guys.

"Hey Logan!" She squealed.

"Uh, hey Camille." Logan said, looking a bit uncomfortable. Then he glanced at me with raised eyebrows and an expression that pled me to talk to him later. "Uh, Camille, this is our old friend Sadie. Sadie, this is Camille."

I smiled a bit skeptically, "What's up, Camille?"

"Not much. Except you." She shrugged.

"Uh?" I blinked.

"They've been talking about you-"

"Ooookay, that's enough for Camille." Logan said, wrapping his hand around her mouth.

"Guys?" I asked, glancing between the four. "What's going on?"  
"Nothing. Nothing at all." Carlos lied (quite obviously).

"Sure." I said sarcastically. "Well, anyway. Let's get going. I have things to do!"

"To the car!" James declared.

"Last one there's a benchwarmer!" I screamed, charging my way through the terminal. Kendall ran right in sync with me, which didn't surprise me at all. We usually ran at about the same pace. James sped past us, proving exactly why he _wasn't_ a good running partner. Carlos and Logan were a few yards behind us, followed by a very confused Camille. Following Camille was Ms. Knight and Katie, who walked at a very leisurely pace, obviously used to this.

"Ha!" James crowed when Kendall and I got to the car. "I beat you all! I'm in first place!"

I shook my head and laughed. "As long as I'm not last."

Kendall nodded, slightly out of breath. "I haven't gone running in three months."

"Well, we're going to have to change _that_." I replied. "'Cause I'm going to go for my usual morning runs, one way or another."  
"We'll figure something out." Kendall agreed, his head bobbing up in down**.**

Carlos came up next, gasping for breath but looking pretty okay otherwise. He'd never been a particularly _good_ long-distance runner. Then Logan came**, **his complexion paler than normal. He looked half-dead.

"Oh, Logie." I sighed, walking over to him. I pulled his arm around my shoulders so that I could help him over to the car. He leaned against it, gasping for breath. I touched his cheek gently, "You gonna be okay, Logan-ator?"

He nodded slowly, "Maybe in a few hours." His voice was breathy. Camille came running up, looking okay. I don't think she was seriously running hard.

I laughed and flashed him a smile, "You'll be fine once we get in the car. Then we'll get into **a** really random, psyched up conversation and you'll totally get into it."

He nodded, "Very likely. Especially if you check the statistics."

"Exactly." I retorted breezily. "Because we all know you love math."

"And hot girls." The other three chorused as Katie and Ms. Knight walked over to us.

"Yeah, but that's mutual for _all_ teenage boys." I said snidely.

"True." Kendall said with a smile.

"Well, yeah." James shrugged.

"Yep." Carlos grinned. "Like the Jennifers."

The other three sighed, "They are _definitely_ hot."

"Okay, _so_ not what I wanted to hear." I laughed, smacking their heads. "Now, let's get in the car and get this show on the road!"

"I'll whoop to that!" Kendall exclaimed, and we all laughed. And then, to my surprise, all the boys whooped.

James pulled open the door to the Saturn Outlook. "Ladies first." He gestured towards the interior. I chuckled and clambered in, bracing myself to be surrounded by crazy teenage boys.

Somehow, we all fit into the Saturn comfortably. I sat between Logan and James. Camille sat between Carlos and Kendall. Katie sat in the front passengers' seat and off we went.

As we left the airport, James slung his arm around my shoulders, letting me rest my head against his chest. Logan gave me a look that said, _talk to me later._

I nodded, slightly confused. He shook his head silently before joining the conversation. And I was suddenly very conscious of the weight of James's arm and his gaze. That his chin rested on my head. The way he smiled at me when he caught my glances.

"Crap." I whispered in alarm. _James likes me?_

_

* * *

_**So? Whaddya think? R&R please! And please be gentle! I'm still kinda new to this!**

**Thank you so much for reading!**

**Cali**


	3. Chapter 2: Tears in 2J

**Hey guys! Thanks for reading! And thanks again to my WONDERFUL beta! :D :D Now, bare with me because this is where the impulses start getting heavy. Really heavy. So here it is! Oh, wait, first: I don't own BTR or Tokio Hotel or anything besides Sadie and this plot….enjoy!**

* * *

James felt me stiffen under his arm and pulled me closer. His breath tickled my ear as he whispered, "You okay?"

I nodded but pulled away from his chest shakily. _I've got to distract him, this is getting a little weird._

"Hey, guys!" I yelled over the ruckus. No one quit talking. "GUYS!" I screamed.

The guys finally turned to look at me with wide, laughing eyes. "Thank you." I smiled prettily. "I have a declaration!"

"We're all ears." Kendall said sarcastically.

"Well, I hope not." I replied. "Then you'd be ugly."

He rolled his eyes and chuckled. "What is your declaration?"

"That the boys must sing for me. Please and thank you." I said with a high-pitched giggle.

They all exchanged entertained glances, "Well, okay then." Carlos smiled at me brightly. I returned the smile and waited for one of the four to start. Kendall began with his amazingly sweet voice.

_When your chips are down, back against the wall.  
Got no more to give, cause we gave it all.  
Seems like goin a distance is unrealistic.  
We're too far from the start._

Carlos took the next part, singing just as well as I always told him he could.

_So we take what comes and we keep on goin,  
leanin on each others shoulders.  
Then we turn around and see we've come so far somehow.  
_

James took the lead on the chorus. The others sang softly behind him, harmonizing. _  
We're halfway there, we're lookin' good now.  
Nothin's gunna get in the way.  
Were halfway there, and lookin' back now  
I never thought that I'd ever say  
We're halfway there  
We're halfway there  
_

Mystified at James's improved sound, I smiled. His voice was so gentle but _so_ strong. _Just like him…_I almost smacked myself as the thought crossed my mind._If we never flew, we would never fall.  
If the world was ours, we would have it all.  
But the life we live isn't so simplistic,_

_you just don't get what you want._

Logan began to sing, a smile easing onto his face. I only saw this particular smile when he was singing. It was my favorite of them all. _  
__So we take what comes and we keep on goin',  
leanin on each others shoulders.  
Then we turn around and see we've come so far somehow._

Again, James took the lead on the chorus, proving to me how good he really was. How good they all were. _  
Were halfway there, we're lookin' good now.  
Nothin's gunna get in the way.  
Were halfway there and lookin' back now.  
I never thought that I'd ever say  
We're halfway there  
We're halfway there._

Logan's voice lifted to a feathery high-note. He sounded angelic. _  
How you ever gunna reach the stars  
If you never get off the ground  
and you always be where you are,  
If you let life knock you down._

Again, James took over for the end. They all smiled and laughed, pointing at me as they sang. _  
We're halfway there, we're lookin' good now.  
Nothin's gunna get in the way.  
We're halfway there, and lookin' back now  
I never thought that I'd ever say.  
We're halfway there  
We're halfway there_

I didn't realize how big my smile was until Carlos poked my cheek, "Doesn't it hurt to smile that big?"

I laughed and swatted his hand away, "No, Stupid, it doesn't. And guys, that was _amazing_!"

I recieved variations of 'Aw, thanks,' and 'Don'tcha know it?' in response. I punched James and Carlos's shoulders playfully.

Ms. Knight pulled into the parking-lot and said, "Alright, get out of the car!" We piled out with huge grins. I slung my arms around Carlos and Logan's shoulders, lifting my feet and putting all of my weight on them.

"Away, we go!" I laughed, pointing vaguely with my hand that was twined around Carlos's neck.

The boys snickered as they led me to their apartment. As soon as we entered apartment 2J, I whistled. It was pretty impressive.

"Nice digs," I complimented, absorbing as much of the beautiful home as I could.

"Perks of being a popstar baby," James bragged, grinning from ear to ear. I slapped his shoulder playfully.

"It's not nice to gloat," I reprimanded, trying not to chuckle. He bowed his head and emitted a loud whimper, pretending to feel guilty.

I patted his head. "Good boy."

"So, do you need any help unpacking?" Kendall offered, disrupting our little game.

"Not really but you can come hang with me while I do." I offered, gesturing to the tiny duffle-bag. I headed towards the door that stood open, sticking my head into the small room. The boys followed me, poking each other and playing.

"Cute." I said with a small smile. The boys had done a good job of putting a touch of Sadie in there. Posters of 3 Days Grace, Paramore, Tokio Hotel, and others covered the walls. Right above my headboard, however, was a poster of Big Time Rush.

I dropped my bag on the bed and knelt on the bed so I could peer at the poster. "It's nice, right?" Logan said, sitting beside me on the bed.

"Yeah…yeah, it's awesome." I sank down to my butt and unzipped the duffle-bag. I walked over to the closet doors and pulled some hangers out. Bringing them over to the bed, I started to put shirts on them. I handed them, one-by-one to Logan. He handed them to Carlos, who handed them to James, who then handed them to Kendall. Kendall put them in the closet.

When my seven shirts were in the closet, I pulled open a dresser drawer and dropped my shorts into it. My underwear went into another. With a satisfied smile, I hip-bumped the drawers closed. Then, I returned to the bed.

I pulled the last item from the duffle-bag. The photo-album's tips were charred and black, pitiful looking. My jaw clenched as I held back tears. The boys all moved closer to me, sensing my distress.

Logan put an arm around my shoulders, pressing his lips to my temple. "Dee…" He whispered. "Dee, what is it?"

Kendall came around the bed, sitting down on my other side. He took the album from my hands gently. He flipped it open to the first page. His face registered the memories that stared up at him. "Oh god, Sadie." He sighed, handing the album to Logan.

Logan moved his arms from my shoulders and leafed through the album with James and Carlos hovering over his shoulder. Kendall pulled my head gently to his chest. "It's okay to cry, Sadie. It's just us."

At those words, I let my torrent of tears free. I sobbed against him, clutching his shirt tightly. He kissed my head and smoothed my hair. Carlos set his hand on my knee, just letting me know he was there. James rubbed my back and the constant gesture was soothing. Logan whispered reassurances in my ear.

I don't even know how long I cried, how long I made them comfort me. They never stopped; taking shifts so that someone was always there to hold me, to comfort me. After a while, Katie opened the door and froze.

"Uh…" she stuttered. "Uh…Mom says that dinner's ready."

A sudden thought jarred me. I touched my pocket gently. _They're still there. _Impulsively_,_ I tore myself away from Kendall and Logan and Carlos and James. I ran past Katie, leaving apartment 2J as fast as I could.

The people that were coming into the Palm Woods from work were completely oblivious to the crying girl running down the hall. They were all too focused on their phones or their friends or their parents or whatever to notice me. And that was all the better.

I raced towards the Palm Woods park, finally skidding to a stop in front of a massive oak. I glanced up the tree, studying the branches to see if they could hold my weight. Deciding that I honestly didn't care either way, I reached up and began to pull myself up the tree.

As I got to about the tenth limb from the bottom, I sighed and slid my butt onto the branch. It didn't waver under my weight so I shifted my back against the trunk. I reached into my pocket and stared at the plastic bag.

There were nine white pills lying in the bag, begging for me to take them and end it. End everything. Give the boys their life back. Stop burdening Ms. Knight. Stop burdening my best friends.

I pulled open the bag, letting the pills slither down into my hand. Gathering enough spit to down the pills, I popped them in two at a time. It didn't take long for them to take their effect.

The world went black and I felt myself falling.

"_SADIE_!" Kendall's scream shoved its way into my darkness. _Kendall_, my mind struggled against the darkness. _Goodbye hon. You've done so much for me. I'll never burden you again. _

The last thing I thought about before I lost consciousness was the BTR poster hanging over my bed. I'd never see it again.

* * *

***cringe* Don't hate me! I promise I'll post chapter 3 as soon as it's done. Don't flame please! I can promise you that the next chapter will be **_**a lot **_**less sad! Uh, R & R!**


	4. Chapter 3: Waking Up to Guilt

**Hey guys, this isn't too bad I think. Thanks to my AH-mazing beta again! Thank you so much to my readers and alert-ers (?) and favorite-ers...haha, that's just kinda a weird sentence. Lol. Anyway, I don't own BTR. I only own Sadie and this plot. And I don't know much about the hospital so if I got anything wrong, I'm sorry. Here it is: Chapter 3!**

* * *

_Anonymous Narrator's POV_

Sadie began to fall from the tree, body slapping between branches, bouncing in an almost inhuman way. "_SADIE_!" Kendall ran as fast as he could to get to her but he wasn't fast enough.

But James was. Coming out of nowhere he caught her in his arms, jarring with the impact. His eyes were wide in horror as he looked down at Sadie.

Kendall ran to James as the taller boy eased Sadie to the ground, cradling her head in his hands.

Kendall pulled his phone out as fast as he could, and called for an ambulance, answering the woman's constant stream of questions, and hoping against all other hopes that they wouldn't be too late.

_A Few Hours Later_

Kendall clutched Sadie's bruised hand, holding it to his lips gently. He could only think of what could've happened if James hadn't been there to catch her. James held the other hand gently, thumb grazing her knuckles. Logan paced anxiously around the room, hands clutched behind his back, eyes closed. Carlos sat at the foot of Sadie's bed, eyes trained on her face, waiting for any sign of consciousness.

Ms. Knight sat in a chair near the door, purse clutched tightly in her hands-as it had been for the past half hour. Her eyes alternated from the extremes- overly wide to shut as tight as possible- yet neither was soothing to her.

She gave up on that and eyed the boys, _her_ boys, as they waited for the consciousness that the doctor assured would come.

She eyed the young girl's face. Bruised and worn, she looked as she well should have. Her cheeks held little color and the little color they held was due to bruises. Sadie's white-streaked dark hair was pulled back in a small pony-tail, though a few strands fell into her face. Her pale lips were pulled back in a sleep-induced grimace, not a pretty sight on her.

Sadie's breathing became sharper and hastier as the heart-monitor began to beep quickly. The boys eyed each-other anxiously and then turned their eyes to Ms. Knight.

She bit her lip and stood, sticking her head out the door just as Doctor Edwards and a few nurses rushed in. Pushing all the boys out of the way, the nurses reached for Sadie's arms, which had begun waving wildly, scratching at empty air.

The nurses pinned her arms to the bed as the doctor jammed a needle into her arm. Sadie went limp almost immediately.

The nurses all sighed in unison and eyed Sadie warily. Doctor Edwards turned to the startled group with a grimace. "Well, it'll be another few hours before she wakes up. I'm sorry you had to see that."

The startled boys nodded silently, all confused and just a bit worried. As the professionals left, the boys immediately resumed their positions.

_Sadie POV, A Few Hours After That_

Feeling tired and heavy, my eyes flittered open. Small gasps erupted around me. I blinked to clear my hazy vision, taking in Kendall, James, Logan, Carlos, and Ms. Knight. James and Kendall each clutched one of my hands while Logan and Carlos leaned over the end of my bed to stare at me.

"Oh thank god." Ms. Knight sighed, setting a gentle hand on Kendall's shoulder. Her other hand went to her forehead, head shaking slowly.

James opted for a simple, "Hey."

"Hey." I whispered.

"You gave us a unanimous heart-attack." Kendall said, squeezing my hand.

"Oh, jeez guys…" I said, trying to work out my vocal-kinks.

Carlos's smile was enough. He didn't have to say anything and I don't think he could have anyway. He touched my leg and gave me an expression that practically made my heart melt.

_Man, why did I think I could do that to them?_ I mentally slapped myself.

And then I looked at Logan. Logan's expression, though relieved, was firm. Angry. He was _pissed_. He'd never looked at me like that. Not even in seventh grade when I accidentally threw part of his science project out because it looked like trash. His brown eyes could've been molten-freaking-lava.

I shuddered and looked anywhere but Logan. James and Carlos looked so relieved that they could hug me. Kendall looked relieved, sure, but also worried. His emerald eyes never left my face, hand squeezing mine. And then there was Logan.

"Guys," I whispered, "Can I get some water?"

Carlos scrambled to his feet with a sharp nod. "Yeah, totally. Hold on, like, two seconds."

I smiled worriedly as he rushed out of the room. _Damn. I was hoping Logan would go._

Kendall smiled at James, then Logan, the up at his mom, and then me. He was so happy it could've broken my heart. They all were.

I wiggled my torso a bit to get the pillows set right, I didn't want to let go of the boys. James caught my drift and stood, setting my hand on the bed gently. He gestured for me to sit up and adjusted the pillows.

I smiled at him gratefully as he sat back down, more comfortable now. I lifted my hand to him and he smiled. He grabbed it, rubbing his thumb over my knuckles soothingly.

And then Logan's phone rang. He glanced at it and shrugged. "Hey Dad. What's up?"

The boys glanced at me, and then each other as Logan's expression darkened. Logan glanced at me worriedly, his expression soft. And even though that was good, I also knew that meant that something bad had happened.

"No way." His words came out like his dad had told him that unicorns existed. He glanced at me again, expression pained and horrified. "I'll let you talk to her."

He walked over to me and pressed the phone to my ear. "Uh, Mr. Mitchell?"

"Hi Sadie." He cleared his throat, "Look, I hate to tell you this but Ashton and Trinity weren't the only ones who died in that fire."

My eyes widened and I choked for words, "W…what?" I sputtered.

"We found a third body a few feet from the house. I decided not to tell you until we could identify it." He paused for a long time.

"Sadie, it was Jackson Wren." I gasped for breath, pulling in lung-full after lung-full but still not breathing right.

"Ohmygod." I whispered. "No." My vision blurred with tears and I stared at the boys as Logan pulled the phone away from my ear. "No, no, no, no, no." I pulled my hands from James and Kendall's grasp, wrapping them around my knees and rocking back and forth.

Logan kissed the top of my head and whispered, "I'm so sorry, Dee," while Kendall and James and Ms. Knight stared at me in horror and confusion. I burst into sobs right as Carlos walked in.

"….Sadie?" He asked.

* * *

**So what did you think? I'd love to know so R&R please! It helps encourage me to update! :) I didn't like it a ton myself but, y'know, the story goes where it goes. :) I'll update ASAP! I promise! :) Until then, **

**Cali!**


	5. Chapter 4: Memories and Realization

**Hey guys! Sorry it's been so long since my last update! :( I've been having a little trouble with this chapter, and I'll admit it's not my favorite but oh well... I did the best I could. :) And, just fyi: school's about to start so my updates may be a bit more spaced out. :( I don't own Joe Brooks or his AMAZING song, Superman. Though I wish I did. And I don't own BTR... *sniffle*. Here it is:**

Sadie rocked back and forth, sobbing as the boys all came closer. Logan eyed her and glanced up at the others, shaking his head. Kendall took Logan's sign seriously and sat down, staring at Sadie worriedly, wishing he could be the shoulder she cried on.

Carlos silently handed Logan the water and sat down next to Kendall. He also watched the girl extra-carefully, worriedly.

James, however, completely disregarded Logan's warning. He sat down on the edge of the bed with her and started to rub her back. The second his hand touched her, she broke out into high-pitched wails of despair.

Logan's jaw clenched as he glared at James. Kendall and Carlos stared at Sadie in utter horror, having never seen her like this before.

* * *

Sadie's POV

As the boys tried to soothe me-pointlessly, might I add-my mind was elsewhere. I was in flashback city, starting with the night I realized that Jackson was perfect.

_He had the whole afternoon planned out. Tate and Amber were on vaction with their families in the Bahamas and had asked him to house sit. Mrs. Porter had told him that he could spend his days at their house while they were gone. _

_We had lunch at the pizza parlor on Hemingway St. and then made our way to the Porter's place. He had a few movies picked out. The Hulk. Spiderman One and Two. And, to my excitement, the newest Superman movie. _

_The movie ended around eight thirty and Jackson took my hand. He smiled at me sweetly and led me to the back porch where he picked up his guitar. He began to play Joe Brook's 'Superman.'_

_**There are no words, to paint a picture of you girl  
Your eyes, those curves, it's like you're from some other world  
You walk my way, oh God it's so frustrating.**_

_Jackson looked up from his guitar and smiled at me. His eyes danced happily and his voice twisted around me, cocooning me in his harmonies. _

_**So why do I disappear when you come near,  
It makes me feel so small,  
Why do I blow my lines, most every time,  
Like I got no chance at all,**_

_**If I could be your superman,  
I'd fly you to the stars and back again.  
'cause every time you touch my hand,  
You feel my powers running through your veins.  
But I can only write this song,  
And tell you that I'm not that strong.  
'Cause I'm no superman, I hope you like me as I am, **_

_**Aladadadadi**_

_I smiled at him and set my hand on his knee._

_**It ain't no lie, I have to tell you how I feel,  
but Each time, I try it gets a little more unreal,  
you say my name, oh god I can't stop shaking,**_

_**So why do I disappear when you come near,  
It makes me feel so small,  
If I could read your mind,  
Girl would I find, any trace of me at all.**_

_**I could be your superman,  
I'd fly you to the stars and back again.  
Cause everytime you touch my hand,  
You feel my powers running through your veins.  
But I can only write this song,  
And tell you that I'm not that strong.  
Cause I'm no superman, I hope you like me as I am – **_

_**ladadadi, woahhhh, woahhh, **_

_**yeah, babadadadiii, woahhh, yeah**_

_**If I could be your superman,  
I'd fly you to the stars and back again.  
'Cause everytime you touch my hand,  
You feel my powers running through your veins.  
But I can only write this song,  
And tell you that I'm not that strong.  
'cause I'm no supermaaaan, heeey  
I hope you like me as I am. **_

_**Oh, oh yeah. **_

_**Haladam haladam dalaa**_

_He set the guitar down and smiled at me. My eyes burned with tears. "That was beautiful." I whispered. _

_His expression changed as he took in my tears, he shook his head and pulled me into his arms. "No need to cry, Sweetheart."_

_I laughed, "No, no, it's not bad crying. I'm happy. I'm so _happy_ with you, Jack." _

_"Me too." His words caressed my ear as he kissed my cheek. _

_I looked up at him with teary eyes. "You're definitely not Superman." I stated "But you're my hero." _

_I placed my lips on his without another word and he smiled beneath my kiss. He pushed me away after a few moments, "No more." He said gently. "You need to get home. Ash'll kill me if we're out much later." _

_I rolled my eyes but followed him anyway, fingers twined in his, unworried about my brother's reaction. He like Jack. So did my mother, Trinity. _

That day was swiftly replaced by another, the first day that _I_ picked the date. Which, coincidentally, was the date after Superman.

_I giggled and tugged on his hand, "Come on, Jack. We don't have all afternoon." _

"_Don't we?" He asked mockingly. _

"_No, we don't. I only reserved it for an hour so we've got to get moving." I snapped playfully._

_He picked up the pace, dropping my hand and racing down the hall. I ran after him, giggling and squealing every time I came close to him. We skid to a halt in front of the studio door. _

_I pushed it open and smiled at Nicola and Trace, who glanced up at me knowingly. Nicola gestured towards the sound-booth dramatically, "In you go, Love Birds." _

_I laughed at my brother's friends and reached for Jack's hand, pulling him towards into the booth with me. "We're going to record a duet, and then you're going to record some stuff and then I will." _

_His smile broadened and he pecked me on the cheek. "You are the _best_ girlfriend ever." _

"_Okay, are you going to flirt or are we going to make some music?" Trace teased. _

"_Music." I replied, sticking my tongue out at him. I turned to Jack, "What to you wanna duet?"_

_He looked at me and reached out to my cheek, "Let's duet Superman."_

_My eyebrows raised in shock. "Are you sure? I mean that's-"_

"_Our song." He cut me off. "And yes, I'm sure."_

"_Well…" I smiled, "If you're sure."_

"_Christ, he said he was sure." Trace sighed, making Nicola and I chuckle. _

"_You're just jealous, Conrad." I teased._

"_Yeah, right." Trace laughed back. _

Logan smoothed my hair, jerking me from my memories. The tears streaming down my face were salty as they fell into my open-wailing-mouth.

"Hey, hey, cry it out Dee." Logan whispered, easing himself onto the bed beside me. His fingers ran through my hair, brushing my bangs from my face. His soft chocolaty eyes bore into mine, pushing a new wave of tears from them.

"H…He can't b-b-b-be dead." I choked out, staring imploringly at Kendall and Carlos, then James. "H-h-h-he c-can't be _gone_."

Kendall looked at Logan over my head, who I felt nod. Kendall came and wrapped me in his arms, Logan relinquishing me.

My fingers fisted into the back of his shirt as I sobbed against his chest. I felt him shudder and pull me closer, setting his chin on my head. My sobs wracked our bodies, shaking us both.

He rubbed my back soothingly and kissed the crown of my head every-now-and-then. He didn't say a word, and neither did the others, though they all eventually left the room.

As my tears finally came to an end, my shuddering fell to an all-time-low, and I untangled his shirt from my fingers. I set my gaze on the floor-tiles to the left of my bed.

Kendall set his finger under my chin, pulling it up to stare at him. "Hey, Sadie, baby, look at me."

"Don't." I choked, staring up at him with wide eyes.

"Don't what?" He asked, confused.

"Don't call me baby." I said firmly, angrily.

"Sure, Sadie, I won't." He said, giving me a questioning look.

I waited for the right words to come to me and it was several moments before I spoke. "That's what _he_ called me."

An understanding silence came from Kendall, a sickeningly understanding silence. He understood why it bothered me so much that Jack was dead. And I understood why he was so silent. He liked me too.

Two of my best friends were crushing on me and I'd just lost my…complicated and perfect boyfriend.

It became obvious, in that split second, that the world hated me.

* * *

**So...? What'd you think? Hmm...? R&R please! And, since I'm curious, either review or PM me your current prefferance as to who she ends up with! Please! :) OOOOH! I forgot to thank my AH-MAZING beta Abby Masrai. :) Thank you so much!**


	6. Chapter 5: I Never Knew

**Sorry it's been so long guys. Highschool's hard. Lots of work. Lots of drama. Lots of guys. :D lol. Not the point. My updates will probably take longer now but I've got this one done so... here you go:**

Kendall sat on the bed next to me for a while, absently running a hand through my hair, lost in thought. As much as I wanted to, I resisted the urge to lean my head against his chest, wrap my arms around him, and tell him how sorry I was.

But I couldn't.

I _was_ sorry. But I wasn't sorry for the reason he'd want me to be sorry. I wasn't sorry for not loving him the way he wanted me to.

He touched my cheek gently to get my attention. I looked up at him slowly, afraid of what I might see. And rightfully so: his beautiful green-gold eyes were angry and sad and confused all at once. "I'm going to go play some hockey, Sadie. I'll get them back in here."

I felt my throat clog with tears as I watched him stand up, heard myself choke out, "Kendall…"

He turned back to me just a bit too quickly, eyes suddenly hopeful. I felt my eyes burn as I held back the tears. "Kendall, honey, I…" I took a deep breath. "I'm so, so sorry."

His eyes clouded with conflicted emotion again, his voice a blank monotone. "I know Sadie. I know." He turned and left before I could say anything more.

About a minute later, Logan came in alone. He found me holding back tears while the beeping of the heart-monitor gave away my panic. His gentle hands took mine, holding them tightly within his grip.

"It'll be okay, Dee." He mumbled.

"Tell me the truth." I shot angrily.

"I am." He said earnestly, words dragging my eyes to his face. His chocolaty eyes spoke of believing, of hope, and of an okay world. His eyes spoke of innocence.

I sighed leaned my head against his chest, one arm lying across it. His arm came around my stomach comfortingly, cheek resting on top of my head. "Have they always felt this way about me?" I whispered.

Logan was silent for a while, thinking. "I don't think they've _always_ been like this." He paused again. "I think….that they've been like this for a few years now."

"How long?" I choked out.

"I'd say about three years for Kendall and about a year for James." Logan said carefully, arm tightening around me

"That long?" I asked in horror. "How could I not see it?"

Logan sighed. "They wouldn't let you. James just went on being his pretty-boy self, acting like all he wanted was fame. He wanted fame and _you_. Kendall…didn't want to hurt you. He knew that you weren't interested in him that way."

"But what about Jo?" I muttered.

"A way to forget about you. He cares about her but…he's had feelings for you for a long time."

"And I just broke his heart." I whispered. "What changed? Why are they suddenly coming on to me?"

"We've been away for a while, long enough to reconsider our relationships." Logan said with a smile. "We've all realized things."

I looked up at him curiously, "What have _you_ realized?"

"That I'm susceptible to Hollywood Fever. James does _not_ look good in Mangerine. The Jennifers, despite their hotness, are very bad influences on Carlos. Jo is Kendall's excuse not to think about you. We may have screwed up some stuff in Minnesota. You are one of my best friends and I'd miss you like crazy if you ever died." He said the last one pointedly, as if he knew about my impulses.

I smiled sadly and pushed him partially off the bed. "Don't ruin the moment."

He glanced at me seriously, expression firm. "Sadie."

I averted my gaze as I felt the shift in mood, "Leave me alone, Logan."

"When you pull stunts like this? I don't think I can, Dee." He said, _knowing_ how that would make me feel.

"Seriously Logan, leave it alone. I'm not pulling anything, anyway." I sighed like I didn't know what he was talking about.

"Bull." He called, eyes narrowing angrily.

"Not bull." I replied, surprised at how easily the lies fell from my lips.

"I know you better than that, Sadie. You really think you can lie to me?"

"Who says I'm lying?" I replied angrily, getting out of bed.

"It's pretty obvious." He snarled back. "You never could lie to me."

"Oh, screw you!" I shrieked, ignoring the dull fog sweeping over my mind as well as the increased beeping of my heart monitor.

"You can't get me away from the topic that easily." He shot with a smirk.

I took a deep breath, trying to ease the relentless fog. "Screw. You. Logan. Mitchell."

He just stood and glared at me, arms crossed across his chest, a small smirk edging onto his lips. My mouth opened to scream at him when my nurse came running in. Her eyes were wild and frantic as she slammed the door open, then relaxed at slightly when she saw me.

She whirled around and glared at Logan. "_What _have you two been doing?" She eyed us suspiciously.

I was about to ask what she meant but then it hit me. And I laughed. I laughed hysterically. "Me? And _him_?" I choked out. "_Never_."

Logan must have realized what the nurse was implying and laughed too, "Trust me, _that _would never happen."

"In any case, her heart-monitor was going crazy and I'll have to ask you to leave." The nurse glared at Logan, expression firm. "Now."

Logan glanced back at me and my face hardened into stone again. He nodded slowly, eyes a bit sad. "Fine." He turned and left as the nurse helped me back into bed, easing me down.

"Now, I'm going to give you some sleeping medication. After whatever just happened, you're going to need some rest." She said gently, pressing a button on the wall. I nodded silently, mind flying.

_Damn it, Kendall likes me. And James. And I fought with Logan. Why did it come to this? I don't understand... when did our relationships change? How did I not notice the changes? Why us? Why do these perfect guys have to go through the hell that comes from me? Damn it! I screw everything up! _My thoughts flew along that line for a few minutes, and then I fell into a deep sleep. But even there, I wasn't alone...

* * *

**Oooh, Cliffy... sorry guys! lol. :) I'll try to update every so often but please let me know what you guys are thinking about this story right now. It'll help motivate me to keep updating. PM me or review it or whatever. _Just give me some feedback please! _I'll update ASAP. :)**

**Cali**


	7. Chapter 6: The Oddness of Therapy

**Hey guys! sorry I didn't update sooner! Crazy school crap and a sprained wrist and stuff! Here's Sadie tho! :) Enjoy!**_

* * *

___

The harsh images of the raging fire crossed my dreams, setting everything aflame. My throat seared as I watched my brother down sip after sip of whisky, unbeknownst to our mother. My protests were caught on my lips, I'd taken his life, couldn't I give him this? Didn't he deserve this?

_He smirked at me, amber eyes twinkling mischievously. He stuck the bottle out in my direction, "You want some, Sis?"_

_I bit my lip, knowing how the toxins had changed everyone I loved; how it would change me. My hand stretched out, groping for the bottle when I saw the scars. The tiny white slashes that peppered my forearms. These made me reconsider the choice. _

_My brother's smile disappeared the instant I hesitated, morphing quickly into defiant anger. "What?" He sneered, "Too good for me? For the bottle I drank from? Is that why you let me die?"_

_My jaw dropped and I smacked the bottle from his hand. Only, quickly he was in the company of the people whose presence I dreaded. My mother and Jack. _

_"M-m-mom?" I whispered, fearing the look in her eyes._

_My mother glowered at me. "I'm not your mother."_

_I froze, her words hitting me like a ton of bricks. Tears welled up in my eyes, the guilt embedding itself deeper and deeper into me as my mother continued to speak._

_"My daughter wouldn't have let me die in that fire. My daughter would've done whatever she could have to save her family. As far as I'm concerned…I have no daughter."_

_I looked to Jack, hoping that he would be more sympathetic. He wasn't. He continued to eye me, his gaze hard and cold. I wrapped my arms around myself, suddenly feeling cold._

_"You never loved me, did you?" he asked, his tone harsh._

_My eyes grew wide. "O-Of course I did Jack, wh—"_

_He interrupted me, his response icy, "No, you didn't. If you did, you would've found me before I was burned alive. Do you realize how painful it was? No, and you know why? Because you're selfish. It's all your fault we're dead. And we'll never forgive you."_

_I felt myself collapse onto the floor, the guilt and shame consuming me. It was all my fault. They're all dead because of me._

I jerked awake, gasping for breath, heart banging around in my chest. Carlos eyed me worriedly, the only one to be seen. "You ok, Sadie?"

I sighed and leaned back against the pillows, "Never been better."

"Now if that's not bullshit, I don't know what is." He laughed, walking over to me.

I laughed back, "Good call, Dude. Good call."

He rested a hand on my shoulder and sat on the edge of my bed, "Look, Sadie…"

"Oh, god, what now?" I sighed.

"They want you to see a therapist… until they can determine that you didn't try to kill yourself." His eyes were pleading. "You didn't, did you?"

I smiled, "Of course I didn't, Hon." I set a hand on his cheek. "Why would I do that?"

"I don't know…" He sighed, smiling slowly. "It's just a little weird…"

"What? I fell out of a tree." I laughed, "It's not like that's never happened before."

His laughter shook the bed but he became serious again quickly, "True, true. But you've also never come so close to dying after falling out of the tree."

"Carlos," I sighed, "I bounced from branch to branch."

"You were already unconscious though. That doesn't make sense." His eyes narrowed suspiciously.

I could've slapped myself; I was making him more suspicious. Damn it. "Carlos, I'm not even completely sure what happened then. I'm sorry, I wish I could tell you."

I wish I could tell you the truth. His glare lessened a bit and he set a hand on my shoulder, "Look, Sadie… we love you. Remember that, please."

I felt tears prick at my eyes, "I love you guys too. More than I could ever tell you."

Carlos's eyes searched mine, and he patted my tightly clasped hands. "I have to go get the therapist for you. He seems cool enough."

I nodded slowly, unsure of how I could lie to someone who was trained to spot exactly that. My hands shook as I gripped the sheets, not sure what to expect.

The door pushed open about two minutes later, revealing a medium height, brunette guy. I analyzed him as he closed the door behind himself. He was maybe late twenties. Maybe. He smiled at me, oozing relaxation, unlike everyone else who'd been in the room. I already felt myself relaxing.

"Hey Sadie." His voice was deeper than I expected, with the gentle tones of someone who'd been brought up in the easy country. Definitely not from around here.

"Uh, hi…" I replied, hands pulling away from the sheets and settling into my lap.

He looked down at what I assumed was my file, then back up at me. His eyes sparkled a bit as he regarded me, expressions measured and careful. "Look, Sadie," his accent is definitely southern, "we both know that there's something going on in your mind that you don't want to talk about. I know your family history. I know your friends. I know what happened. What I can't seem to find is anything about you personally. You're really careful about that, aren't you?"

My gaze was quite obviously confused as I looked at him, "I have no idea what you're talking about."

"Of course you don't." He shrugged, as if he expected as much. He flipped my file open and began to scan the pages, ignoring my confused expression.

His eyes darted from page to page as he flipped them, not looking up at me as he summarized my file. "Hockey player. Good student, not perfect, not horrible. Youngest of two kids. Parents divorced, not any really fantastic story behind that. You're just… average." His eyes darted up to mine. "What a load of crap."

I flinched back, confused for a second. "Excuse me?"

"You're not some average, identity-less, hide in the crowd girl. You have an IQ that's so off the charts that you should be in college by now. You're a dominant personality. You should _want_ to be noticed. You do, don't you? What happened? Why aren't you?" His words were like repeated slaps. What the hell was he talking about?

"I have no clue what you're talking about." I bit off and oh, if looks could kill. "I'm not some hide-in the crowd girl; ask my friends. I speak my mind. I don't just sit back and watch them drown. And as far as my parents' divorce goes, that's none of your business."

An interested expression lit my doctor's face as he stood. "Well, that seems like enough for today."

I felt the confusion alight my face. "Uh, okay?"

He smiled at me kindly, "Don't worry. I'll be back tomorrow."

"Why would it bother me if you stayed away?" I asked curiously, head tilted to the side.

"Because you want to know why you did it just as bad as your friends do. And deep, deep down, they all know. I'm sure you realized that." He said as he set a hand on the door.

"Wait, before you go, answer me one thing." I said, quickly recovering a bit of myself.

He chuckled quietly, "Of course."

"Where are you from?" I asked carefully.

A smile slid onto his handsome face. "Charleston."

"North Carolina?"

"South."

And with that, my therapist was gone.

* * *

**So what did ya think? R&R plz! Ideas, suggestions, thoughts, who you think she should end up with, whatever. Let me know what you're thinking!**

**Thanks for reading and sorry for the delay!**

**Cali**


End file.
